Most people think they would be a great friend to turn to, should anyone need a shoulder to cry on. But how do we know that we aren’t comparable to Job’s friends, making everything so much worse? For those of you unfamiliar with the story, Job is a man facing loss in every part of his life. With the exception of his wildly unsupportive wife and quite possibly the worst best intentioned friends. These friends genuinely meant to help and offered their ‘services’, such as they were. Yet, they somehow managed to make everything worse.
I find it hard to imagine any of us not knowing someone who needs help. Given all that is facing the world, tragedies seem to follow. When we see collective tragedies and large groups of people who are hurting, it’s easy to post on Facebook that our hearts go out to them. But, what happens when it’s just an individual facing difficult times? Apart from making a Facebook frame with “Stand with Judy, whose husband just died”, social media has not equipped us to be of encouragement. When we are expected to move beyond public declarations of our support and onto private actions of support, we can feel ill-prepared.
So, what, now? Well, I claim no perfection as a friend (ask my friends for confirmation), let me share some tips. Some of these are based on biblical principles and others are from my experiences with former clients.
How to Help
- Avoid Christianese! “This is all part of God’s plan” is almost never a helpful statement. I know of one instance when this was said to a women who had just suffered a miscarriage. This was said with the BEST of intentions. But be cautious what you blame on God. I know that isn’t the intention behind the statement, but you are literally saying that whatever has happened was desired by God. Did God tell you it was His plan? Then maybe keep that little sentence to yo’self.
- Embrace awkward silences. A frequent statement I hear is, “I just don’t even know what to say.” This is a good sign to not say anything. When we’re talking only to fill the void, we are more apt to say something unhelpful. This is usually because WE feel uncomfortable with the silence. And word to the wise: small talk has little healing powers. We all know what the weather is like. Don’t underscore the importance of just being present. Many of my clients didn’t WANT to talk, they only wanted to not be alone.
- Embrace awkward conversation. Sometimes, the only thing more uncomfortable than the silence is when the conversation begins. During tragedy, people are trying to make sense of everything– to think of it in terms they can understand. This means that people are going to be rummaging through their emotions, and emotions are messy and ugly and nonsensical. They are going to work through anger and blame and depression. These emotions are going to be directed to themselves, others and maybe even you or God. Take a breath. Let them work through it.
- Don’t let this be the first friend moment. We hear of someone hurting and we want to help. We want to ease the pain. Be there for other people, but don’t try to go from ‘we nod at each other in the hall’, to ‘I need to frequently come over uninvited, and expect to be your bff’. This makes it much less about the person hurting, but more so about you needing to be the one to alleviate the pain. Be there, but don’t force yourself onto them.
- Be genuine in your words. Think through your thoughts. What you say to the hurting can sometimes be latched onto without you intending it to be. These are moments that define their worldview and what you say can be weaved into that worldview. But, don’t feel pressure to say what you think they want to hear or something that ‘sounds pretty’. Be you and be real. People are pretty intuitive when others are being fake.
- Don’t kick them while they’re down. This is not the time to say, “I told you so”, or “Well, you know, maybe if you didn’t…” Chances are, they are already blaming themselves, they don’t need your help. Going back to Job’s friends, they often offered such ‘comforting words’ as, “What did you do to anger God and earn this?” They were adamant that there were hidden sin that made Job deserve the pain. This was the moment to repent for his wicked ways… even though he is described as a “blameless man”.
- Check your defenses. As they are making sense of everything, they might lash out at… everyone, and usually God. Our immediate thought can be, that we need to defend God. The truth is, God is pretty powerful and He can endure the questions. Be able to hash out the difference. This can feel as though we are being martyrs for God and need to be ready to defend our faith. But during tragedy, that isn’t necessarily the context. David and Job consistently pled with God for answers, asking why things were happening and expressing feelings of depression, betrayal, and hurt. And these were men of the faith. Be there to help them work through the pain and the questions, but cool your jets.
- Don’t define them by their experience. Tragedy is usually a mile marker. It defines the worldview, it changes perspective and it becomes an entire chapter in life all by itself. But worldviews are dynamic and are constantly changing. If you think of them as always stuck in the moment, don’t be surprised if they begin to pull away. Especially, when they have started to move on. Don’t force this to happen, but pace yourself according to their pace. Sometimes, they are ready to deal with ‘normal day-to-day problems’. Let them be normal, even if they are only ‘acting normal’.
- If in doubt, ask. Casseroles, cards, pats on the shoulder, and “How are you doooooing?”. These are the go-to responses. If a close friend is hurting and you aren’t sure what they need…. ask. Be earnest and just ask them simply, “What do you need right now? What can I do for you?” They may just say that they don’t want anything, or that nothing would make a difference. Allow that response, but let them know that they can change their mind. Check up on them, but for the love of all, don’t let it be daily morning, noon and night texts. Give them space when they need it, but don’t let them fall off the grid.
