Before any of you do something drastic and call my mother: Giles and I are happily married. The topic of divorce is comprehensive and I’m not going to try covering everything. I have a specific topic I would like to discuss. I’m always torn in two directions with controversial topics. I always want to know what others think, but I dread online arguments. So before you plunge in, ready to use the thesaurus on your computer for ‘just the right adjective’, try to read with an open mind. After all, these are just my opinions. And as much as I would like to think of my opinions as factual, take them with a grain of salt. To specify what aspect of the sea of divorce I wanted to discuss with you: divorce-related advice. Hopefully, this is the lesser of the controversies surrounding the subject.
Giving Divorce Advice
I would never suggest that people refrain from offering advice, merely because it’s controversial. If anything, the touchiness of the topic makes it even more important to offer counsel. But, wisdom should be used when giving opinion on such a personal and intimate topic. Here are some tips related to my own experiences and what clients have shared with me they would like in advice giving.
Tips
- “Permissible Will” where due. While the Bible states the circumstances when divorce is permissible for the divorcees, it never states that this exception applies to advice givers. I’m not sure if advising someone to divorce is a sin, but don’t take my word for this– go and do your homework before telling someone to do something.
- Accept their decision. It’s easy to be there for people when they take our advice, but be willing to accept what they decide, whether to stay or to go. They have to daily live in their decision and you do not. Don’t be so prideful that you can’t accept their decision. This might be the most frequent complaint my clients made with friends– the friends seemed to have a hidden agenda.
- Wait for them to ask. If someone is venting, that doesn’t mean they want you to help solve a problem or to offer suggestions. Even if you think they could be so much happier if they only did what you told them to, wait until they ask for your thoughts.
- Back up your decision with action. Go one step further with accepting their decision– be there for them with either decision. They will still need a friend, regardless of what they decide. Many people can form an opinion on almost any subject, but unless you’re willing to actually walk them through the problem, your advice isn’t helpful.
- Be careful in picking sides. If you completely cut someone off, it can often come back on you. Especially when the couple makes reparations and you’ve set yourself as an enemy. Many times, if someone contemplates making reparations to their relationship, they will intentionally not speak to you, because they know they won’t have your blessing.
- Discern between momentary feelings and actual intent. If your friend is just blowing off steam and saying things in the heat of the moment, don’t abuse your position as friend by talking them into acting on momentary emotions.
- Hesitate before feeding emotions. Emotions based decisions are NEVER the best option. You have to be the voice of reason in this, because their emotions are running all over the place. Help them separate them out.
- Avoid agreeing or disagreeing merely for its sake. Validate emotions without blindly agreeing. Don’t be afraid to be an honest friend. Often people want friends to make them feel heard, but to also be an objective person of sound reason.
- Reflect on the desired outcome. The desired outcome is almost never divorce. It’s: security, love, safety, calm environment… Regardless of divorce, these are often unmet needs that are driving the desire for divorce. Keep them centered on finding those needs, and not from their spouse (relying on one person to meet all needs will always result in discontent).
- Pause before talking. Before you advice someone to do something drastic or to make a major life decision, think through your words and suggestions carefully before speaking, even if you weren’t the one to bring it up.
- Empathize with their situation. Choosing to divorce can be the hardest decision a person can make. So can the decision to not divorce. No matter what they decide, it isn’t an easy choice. There is pain no matter what. Fight or flight, there is no quick release from pain and stress.
- Ask the good questions. “Have you prayed about this?”, “What do you think God wants you to do?”, “Which decision would give you the most peace?”… Asking questions forces them to think things through in a situation when their emotions make it difficult to think at all.
Receiving Divorce Advice
A huge tragedy is when you seek out support and falsely think it’s strong support until it’s too late. To think that someone has your back and to be incorrect. Here are a few things to keep in mind when seeking advice.
Tips
- Have a person, beforehand. Too often we never have a single person we can rely on for advice or to talk to. It’s so often when we need friends the most that we realize we haven’t invested in them. We can be surrounded by friends, yet never actually talk to them about the things that truly matter.
- Safeguard your heart. We all need to talk about our problems with wise friends and people who care about us. But be careful to tell the difference between just bad mouthing your husband to others and having a heart to heart with a close friend.
- Avoid building your own resentment. Regardless of whether divorce is chosen or not, remember that you are the person who will spend the rest of your life with your– are you going to grow old with a bitter old woman?
- Question your motives. What are your reasons for talking to someone– is it because you need wise counsel and prayer? Or are you just wanting someone to agree with you and tell you you’re justified in your decision? You can be right and still make the wrong decision out of your ‘rightness’. Question your heart.
- Best of friends do not replace God. We can ask every wise person what they think we should do, but if we are avoiding God, there is usually a reason behind that. Have your friends pray with you, have them confirm what God is telling you– build the friendships on God, rather than avoiding Him through them.
- Seek warriors on your behalf. On the rare occasion I go to friends for advice on my marriage, I never go to people who believe in divorce (when I say that, I mean that they encourage it, even when it’s never been mentioned by me), the ones who are going to encourage me being combative, or people who habitually make poor decisions in their own life (I’m definitely not in a position to judge imperfect people, but I’m probably not going to someone whose dated 10 people in the past 2 weeks on how to stabilize my relationship).
- Don’t take their advice for granted. If a wise person gives you incredible advice, still pray about it, see what the Bible has to say and check your own heart to see if you have peace. No one, no matter how wise can replace these things.
Note:
These are meant to serve as general tips, but will not be applicable in all cases. Should you or a friend find yourself in an abusive situation, I would suggest to keep safety as the first concern over all else. I’m still not going to say that you should always divorce in such situations, but I will say that distance is needed. Whether this means that you ask for your partner to stay elsewhere while they work on their personal issues (anger management, counseling, rehab…) or you stay elsewhere. I hope that this would only be a temporary arrangement until both parties make the needed changes to ensure that circumstances change.
