Internal Gossip: The Lies We Tell Ourselves

Gossip can seem like an ambiguous idea. There is often a question of what actually constitutes gossip. Usually by people who feel that what they are doing isn’t gossip. Not really. They are concerned about this person and should find out if others are worried. And what if someone needs prayer? Should they not pass along these concerns so we can all be praying? Or there is always the possibility that others need to be warned. Should we go about not speaking the truth about others? We could be asked about someone who has recently been hired at the same place a friend works. Or what about those negative friendships? Where does the line fall?

Well, know that I have you thinking about what you say to others, I am not here to talk about any of those questions. After those questions have been answered and you have walked away. What happens next? Maybe someone brought up another person and you didn’t even listen for that long before calling them out on gossip. Or perhaps no one has said anything. They’ve merely mentioned passing events that have caught your attention. You now have questions about the specifics. But to ask would be gossip. The questions spin around our head and we begin to have a conversation in our minds. We have to carefully think through the specifics.

“She cancelled on me because she was too busy, but they say she just took up another volunteer position.”

“They said money was tight so they couldn’t donate to my fundraiser, but they just renovated their house.”

“They said…… I thought……. I heard….. but that means…. if that’s true, then….”

No one is spreading gossip. We don’t need to reprimand anyone for what they’re telling us. And we aren’t sharing these thoughts with anyone. So, clearly this is not gossip at all. I suppose if you want to split hairs, it probably isn’t. So let me share what I think gossip is, and perhaps I’m wrong.

I recall asking my dad what gossip really is when I was younger. He told me that it’s anything you say about someone that you would not say to their face. The problem is that I’m German-Italian with four brothers and a dad from up north. There is very little that I would not say to someone’s face. After I mentioned that to my dad, he realized that perhaps someone like myself needed a more rigid definition. He told me that instead, I could think about gossip as saying anything about someone that negatively changed another person’s opinion of them. I would also add that these conversations are typically with anyone other than the person.

How to Tell If I Have Problem with Internal Gossip

Well, I was trying to think of a way that I could tell if I’ve gone too far. So, let me pose a series of questions, that I wanted to skim through, myself:

• Are the thoughts that you have allowed to exist about another person negatively changed your opinion of them?
• Do you think less of them now than before your ‘mental analysis’?
• Is it easier or harder to love them?
• Do you want to pray blessings over them?
• Would you feel anxious if you knew you had to be around them?
• Have you confirmed anything with the person?
• What/who are your sources of information?
• Are you actively pursuing resolution of your problems?

Now, I know that there are going to be people that you simply don’t like. There will also be people who are kind of jerks or who have the worst of intentions. But, this isn’t so much about wanting to be friends with everybody as much as it is about you. Taking care of what’s going on inside your own mind will ultimately be for you and those around you. Because internal gossip is not this small thing that happens without any effect.

Why Does Internal Gossip Even Matter?

So, why make a huge thing of this? Truthfully, a majority of the things I write about are things that I’m working through or trying to get better at and this is one of those things. So, I thought of a list of problems that I know I could bring on if I don’t tackle this:

• Gossip increases. The more you think negatively about this person, the more likely you will do the same towards others. And you will find yourself thinking the worst about everyone.
• Your view of self changes. Perhaps, you’ve already noticed, but internal gossip usually results in you being the victim. There is never any victory in this, only wallowing that the situation is drastically impacting you.
• Prayer becomes more difficult. Maybe wallowing helps draw you to pray, but it makes me spend more time complaining and nothing else ever takes place. And truth be told, once we start to complain about all the things we think are only happening to us, we never stop to hear from God.
• Gossip changes your relationships. When we stew about something, we really want others to know. If we manage to make it without spreading the gossip that has been going on in our minds, we still change our relationships. You now have a more serious problem with this person and it’s going to show.
• Vindication never occurs. God always hears our prayers, even when He already knows that we’re wrong. He hears us out, He always offers repentance. Forgiveness is always on the table and He doesn’t hold it against us. He is always concerned with how what we are doing is creating distance in the relationship and not on Himself being a victim. Should we not offer the same to others.

What Now?

If you’re like me, then you need to pause the thoughts. Because you should never let someone gossip around you and that includes you.

• End the role playing. You know you do it as much as I do! We have those conversations with people, but they’re not present for them. These conversations are never accurate.
• Pray blessings. If when I have a problem with someone, I pray for them. Not fire and brimstone, but blessings. No, you won’t mean it at all when you first start, but you eventually will.
• Apply different rules. If you or someone you like is struggling with forgiveness, you would search scripture for what God says about forgiveness and you would pray those scriptures out. Do the same for this person. They don’t even have to know.
• Clarify assumptions. Don’t allow yourself to gossip until you have asked them yourself. And don’t ask them in that accusative tone that we all have when we are sure we already know the answer. You don’t, yet.
• Understand where they’re coming from, even if you don’t agree with where they’re at. And if they do give the answer that you suspected, you still don’t know their reason. If you don’t take the time to understand them, then you will never understand them.