College ends so quickly and you realize that so do many of your friendships. Adulthood smacks you in the face and friendships become… work. Everyone has a full schedule and trying to collaborate to meet up for coffee is a great feat. Then, life happens and you get blind-sided. You realize that you never made time to invest into a social support. You’re drowning and have no life preserver to keep you from going under.
What even is a social support system?
Put simply, a social support system is the network of people you have in your life that can help provide additional emotional support during times of crisis or general life struggle. They are the people in your inner circle.
What it isn’t:
Group Therapy. People hear, “social support system” and they instantly think of group therapy. I would argue that if you have a strong social support system, you can often draw on their support in times that others might reach out to a therapist. But, you should also keep this a strong part of your life, even if you do need to use a therapist (NO shame, people). This isn’t a form of therapy or an alternative to therapy. You should be able to use your support system at any point in life, and a therapist when you need some addition one-on-one guidance and support.
People of Convenience. As adults, it takes effort to make friends at all, let alone high-quality ones. But, not everyone who is in your immediate area is automatically your social support. You may see your co-worker everyday, but if you only nod hello in the morning, she isn’t part of your inner circle. I think we all know the feeling of having people surrounding us, but not feel any degree of support.
When would I need social support?
Daily grind. Each day offers both blessings and struggles. Having those treasured few who are available for a quick vent that someone else took the last cup of coffee helps. All the little things can pile up so quickly and being able to release those takes the weight off.
The unexpected. Life throws punches, and it usually hurts. Too often, we get blindsided and have no one there. We hold the phone and can’t think of anyone to call. We never plan for this. How can you plan for what you could never see coming? It’s nice to have someone to call without having to think twice.
To walk life out. When difficult things happen, it’s nice to have those people that don’t have to be walked through all the things that have happened in the last 10 years. It’s nice to be able to refer to things they already know about and just talk about what’s happening. Good times and… those other times, having people there makes both better.
Where do I look?
Small groups. Sometimes, that extra effort in building a community at church is worth the time. If you find one that doesn’t really fit you, try another one. But these are people who might have similar values and principles.
Colleagues. These are people in close proximity and who are probably facing similar problems, at least as they relate to work. And you obviously have opportunity to hang out.
The people who seem to have stayed around forever. If a friendship lasts 7 years, they are likely to be a lifelong friendship. Who has managed to stick around? Foster these friendships and try to deepen the relationship.
Seeking them out through social media, apps, and online. We are quickly becoming a technology-driven society. This used to earn mockery, but the truth is that it can be difficult to meet people organically. And we don’t always have the time. There are apps and online sites for building your network and meeting new people and no, I’m not referring to eHarmony. These are for solely platonic friendships.
- Patook. This helps people meet friends based on similar values.
- Nextdoor. This is for meeting neighbors, or people in close proximity.
- Wiith. This allows you to create mini-events and then accept or reject those who might join you.
Gentle Reminders
Some will be temporary and leave your life organically. Truth be told, the majority of friendships you create will probably not last, if we’re talking sheer numbers. And that’s okay. As my small group leader says, “The people who have permission to walk with you today might not have permission tomorrow.”
Should make you feel safe. Some people are toxic, and available. Being able to call someone at 2 in the morning doesn’t mean that they’ll have anything helpful to say. If someone is consistently harmful, then you need to make the decision to distance yourself.
Should not be an obligation, but should still be a commitment. This isn’t therapy for you or for them, and it should never be maintained out of only an obligation. But truthfully, friendships do take work. Go into this knowing that it might not always be convenient or easy.
This won’t happen on it’s own. Whip out the planner and get intentional– how are you going to fit in yet another thing into your schedule. Who are you going to fit into your life?
Admittedly, the majority of my posts are about things that I struggle with and this is no different. Time is a commodity and it’s always in the red. With that being said, I hope this is something that I can prioritize.
