The idea that teenagers can be self-absorbed isn’t the most revolutionary idea to share. This is something that every teacher sees happen just during the 5 minutes of passing period. If you are the parent of a teen (my heart goes out to you), or you’ve had the pleasure of encountering a teen in passing, you have probably witnessed selfishness. There may have been a number of selfies taken, to capture just the right lighting and facial expression. Teen selfishness seems an unavoidable truth.
My Introduction to Teen Selfishness
One of the courses I’ve been teaching this semester is Sociology. Admittedly, I hold to the stereotype of animosity between psychology and sociology. But, I’ve taken this chance to take an international perspective on sociology, teaching them about the social issues that plague both our own nation and the global community. Conversations have included such cheery topics as: racism, poverty, gender inequality, social deviance and more.
They plunged themselves into the class discussions. Asking as many questions as it took to understand. They would carefully think through their answers. We would throw out possible action plans to solve the world’s problems. As we began these bright and happy conversations, I prepared myself for their responses. “That’s not fair.” This is the go-to response of any teen, right? But, this was not where the conversations took us. They would ask to know more about how the problem got this bad.
I began to realize, that yes, most teens are concerned with their own issues. And most have no idea about the entire world that exists beyond the two feet surrounding their person. But, this was not always from a lack of care. This was a result of no one ever having that conversation with them. My entire generation may have fallen prey to a self-fulfilling prophesy. All teenagers are selfish, just as we were at that age. Adolescence is all about identity and trying to figure out who you are and who you want to become. They spend the majority of their time thinking about this, as they should.
Our Failure in Harnessing Teen Selfishness
Teenagers are self-absorbed with questions about their identity. But, why have we not helped them figure out the answers? They so quickly gain interest in social injustice and global issues. They instantly want to relate it to their identity and how it relates to who they are as people. Every generation of teenagers focuses on their own world. But, every older generation expects very little of teenagers. We are feeding the very problem we’re complaining about.
How could selfishness possibly be a good thing? Well, I’m not suggesting that it is a good thing. But, I’m not sure I agree with viewing it as pure selfishness. It’s them creating an identity, which we could help with. It’s them viewing everything through the lens of how it relates to their identity, which we could help answer.
As some of you know, I’m involved with an organization that helps fight human trafficking. When I share with adults, the typical response I get is, “it’s so great that you get to be involved.” They are usually interested and want to know what I do to be involved. When I mentioned it to my students, their instant response was, “how do we get involved?” They wanted to know how the issue could fit into their universe. Teenagers crave knowing how their identities could be formed around making a difference. They were so ‘selfish’ that they made it all about themselves…. how could they help, how could they be a part of the solution. If only adults were that selfish.
What to do with Teen Selfishness
So, what does this mean for us? What can we do with this, now that we know they actually want to make a difference.
Step One: Initiate conversations that matter
It’s easy for me to have casual conversations with teenagers, because I’m literally around them all day. But, if you take a moment to really reflect, I think you might be surprised by the opportunities you have to get to know teens. You might have friends with kids, or you might just find yourself ‘stuck’ standing next to a teenager at church (we all know we whip out our own iPhones, so we never have to talk to them). Take a few minutes to just have a conversation and find out what they care about (hint: the answer is never school, so “how are classes going?” is almost never going to get an answer with a complete sentence). Share with them something you’re involved in that matters to you (sorry, this will require you to be involved in something)
Step Two: Encourage them to get involved
If you get the opportunity to share an issue of importance to you, gauge their interest. Tell them about a way for them to get involved (an upcoming public event, or a social media account for them to learn more about it).
Step Three: Follow-up with their interest
If they say they want to follow them on social media, tell them how to find the organization, or show them the event page (if it’s on Facebook). Try not to make yourself the point of contact, but show them where to go for more information. If they say they want to go to the event, find ways to remind them without too much private communication. You could tag them in a comment on Facebook, when the event page is shared. If you see them at the event, go say hi and let them know that you’re proud to see them there.
Step Four: Accept competing issues
They might decide that the issue isn’t something they’re passionate about. Be okay with that. My students ‘care’ about quite a few issues. But, they have the same amount of time in their days as I do. They can’t be involved in every issue. There might be another issue that they want to invest their time into. Remember that the focus is on getting them involved in social issues, but not necessarily your social issue.
Step Five: Establish a mentorship
If this becomes something they want to be actively involved in, consider mentoring them. It forces you to maintain involvement in the issue, and helps both of you to grow. Of course, make sure you meet their parents first and ask for permission to mentor. Don’t be weird.
Hopefully, you see the same qualities in the teens you interact with. I’m really proud of my students and how quickly they want to be a part of solutions.
