Grief: Processing an Absence

My mother passed away last month after receiving a liver transplant. For those of you who have experienced the transplant process, you know the emotional whiplash– waiting for a donor, having the donor rejected or fall through, the post-surgery issues that rise up and then resolve. Each moment feels like you either feel the anxiety of the next hurdle or the relief of having passed the next problem. After the immediate rush of grief and emotions following her death subsided, I felt great peace. There are still moments of sadness, and I will always miss her, but the sting has waned.

Perspective from Grief

As a Christian grieving the death of another Christian, the view of her loss doesn’t feel as defeating. It has given me a chance to rethink my world. Specifically, the things that I give space in my life and the things that I need to limit.

Grief in Problems

In processing such a big emotion as grief, I was no longer bothered by the petty issues of the day-to-day. There was not enough emotional energy left to worry about the little things that came up. Students being upset about grades, not grading assignments the day after they were submitted, leaving feedback on every little issue… Those were no longer considered problems. When you experience the ‘worst case scenario’ you imagined, and all of your emotions are processing that one experience, you don’t have the luxury of daily stresses.

Grief in Priorities

In the days immediately following Mom’s death, I was left with a feeling of distance from my day planner. Being met with my mom’s mortality, my priorities took on a new direction. Anyone who has met me knows the lengthy and detailed lists of tasks I make for myself. But I glossed over those comprehensive lists without feeling the typical sense of urgency. Some things needed to be done, and I’m not advocating a sense of laziness or procrastination, but many things didn’t need to be done.

Things that could wait, sometimes indefinitely. Things I had thought were important before but no longer held significance. I’m always working on my courses and making changes, but some of those things would never impact students and would go unnoticed by students. In simpler terms: they didn’t matter. I didn’t have the emotional energy to continue prioritizing things that didn’t add value to anyone’s life. I found my grief redefining my priorities and what was considered important.

Assurance of Her Peace

Death within a Christian worldview is not the end nor a bad outcome for her. The peace I feel is from considering Mom’s vantage point. The truth is that death is only hard for those who are left behind. I have to live the rest of my life without her, but when you believe in eternity, the rest of your life isn’t really that long.

Removed From the Earthly

My mom Had her fair share of struggles (who doesn’t?) and struggled with depression in her younger days. She had a reputation, albeit not necessarily a fair one, of being a fretter. There were worries about all of the possible outcomes of life, usually the ones involving her kids. She used to stress about her severed ties and lost relationships with those once considered her friends. She was heartbroken when others would spread lies about her, especially since she was a sweet-natured person, contrary to the hurtful rumors spread by a small few. This is no longer true.

While it’s painful for me to be without her, it is not painful for her to be without me. As a Christian, if I truly believe in the biblical depiction of Heaven, then I also acknowledge that she is no longer tied to the worries and problems of this world. She is at peace with the relationships that were never mended, the rumors that will never be cleared, and the children she will never see healed. Earthly problems only hold weight on Earth. They no longer weigh her down. She is at complete peace and in perfect freedom.

Near the Divine

Not only is she separated from all the grief of this world, but if she is in Heaven, she is also near to the source of pure joy. Far removed from this world, but also with a perfect vantage point– looking at this world from a distance and able to see the bigger picture. We miss the context because we are too close to the situation. Looking down, she can see how everything in history has led to this point and how everything now will eventually lead to victory. We can get too caught up in our daily lives to remember that we already know how the story ends. She is standing next to the author of time– how could she not have perfect contentment? Those problems that we think are so weighty are seen as the petty issue that they really are.

If you are experiencing grief, please seek help when you need support.